I’ve always had a serious issue with the concept of forgiveness. It never made any sense to me and it never resonated with my spirit. Why should I, the one who was done wrong offer anything, especially forgiveness to one who has wronged me? Why does the onus now lie on me? Since when did it become my responsibility to fix what others f****d up? Why do I have to be the bigger person?
There’s talk of accepting apologies you’ll never receive, turning the other cheek, forgiving 70 times 7. RUBBISH! And I’m not even British. They say forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Why is my healing and freedom contingent on the denial and sacrifice of my righteous anger at those who have harmed me?
I was molested at the age of 4 by a family member. This man ruined so much of me. He left me broken and confused. Any concept I had of self-worth was obliterated. After the 7 years of abuse ended, my perception of myself and the world was so skewed, I easily found myself in relationships with men who were abusive. Abuse had become my norm and I accepted dysfunction as my karma.
So, I need to forgive this man to be healed and be free? That is complete bulls**t. Who came up with this crap? I’m here to tell you, if forgiving those who have intentionally and systemically hurt you doesn’t resonate with your spirit, DON’T do it. And don’t you dare even try. Forgiving others does not have to be a part of your healing journey or the key to your personal freedom. You can say f**k em and they mama and still become whole. You can refuse to forgive them and still shine.
When you see me, do I look bitter, sad, or defeated to you? Absolutely not! Anyone who has the pleasure of being in my presence can feel the vibration of love, light and healing that radiates from me. And you know what? I didn’t have to forgive a muthaf****n soul to do it!
You don’t have to forgive anyone, blood relatives included to become whole. And holding onto the belief that you need to forgive may be that one emotional block that is keeping you mired in your trauma and pain. You are conflicted. You are trying to do something your spirit is rejecting. No matter what the preacher says in the pulpit, the life coach or therapist says in your sessions. You are not obligated to forgive a soul.
Now, let me tell you what you are obligated to do. You are obligated to forgive yourself. You are obligated to offer yourself every ounce of kindness, gentleness, and compassion you can muster. You are obligated to love on yourself, every hour of every day. You are obligated to go within to the deepest parts of your being to love and cry and moan and pray yourself back to life. You are obligated to mourn and grieve every part of you that was lost. And after your mourning period has ended, you are obligated to dig through the ashes, gather the best parts of your essence that could never be destroyed and you must with every fiber of your being recreate, restore, and rebuild.
Sorrow and suffering must become your closest companions. Grace and gratitude must become your song. You reparent your inner child. You nurture your soul back to full health. You master yourself. You find the joy within. You must release the parts of you that you needed to survive because, now it is time for a new thing to begin. You take off your armor because the war has ended. You release your deep attachment to the pain, hurt and bitterness. Your anger remains, but it builds you up, it becomes a fire in your soul that propels you to move forward. You become one with yourself and then one day you wake up and look in the mirror and it’s as if you’re seeing yourself for the very first time.
You look at your scars and you can only cry tears of joy because of what you’ve overcome. You feel enveloped in the light of love. You repeat the cycle again and again. As many times as you need too. You mourn again. You heal again. You see yourself for the first time again. You are transformed by the bravery of your choice to let your healing journey be what it should only be about. YOU.
Does this work? With a strong emphatic voice, I scream yes! I didn’t forgive my abuser or his wife and when I tell you I am healed from the inside out. I am healed! How did I know? Well, the moment came when I saw this person. And when I saw this individual, I didn’t feel an iota of resentment, anger, disappointment, or pain. I wasn’t triggered. I didn’t have to pretend I was ok when in reality I wasn’t. I was truly ok! PEACE! PEACE abounded in my soul and that was the moment I knew, I was free! And I did it without offering forgiveness.
You don’t need to forgive anyone to be free. Now, go be free!
And while you’re on your way to freedom, check out the amazing e-book book called The Black Girl’s Guide to Radical Self-Love, which provides a unique 5 step process to experience radical self-love and feel your own sun. It is on sale for the next 10 days for $3.99. To download your copy, click The Black Girl’s Guide to Radical Self-Love. This book was was inspired by a recent blog post I wrote, called “The Truth About Self-Love No one Told You”. To read the article, click The Truth About Self-Love That No One Told You.