“Think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy directs your course”Khalil Gibran
I’ve been hearing this question a lot lately. Mainly from other women. The question is always framed with equal amounts of surprise, pity, and the thought that maybe something is secretly wrong with me. I never take it personal though. I guess if I were them I too would wonder why I’m not married yet.
And to be honest, it is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Perhaps because I will be turning 37 this year. I had my first relationship right out of high school at 17. Twenty years later and I have NEVER been single for more than a year. I have literally gone from one relationship to the next. And not because I didn’t enjoy my time alone. Because I do. I can sit at home alone for hours and read or watch tv and enjoy my own company. I love to run alone, and I certainly don’t mind working out alone. I never used my relationships as an escape from myself. But there was always a man there. How could I resist? I’ve had some rough relationships! And my heart has been broken more than I wanted to experience. But that never stopped me. I am a hopeless romantic, always willing, and ready for the next adventure in love. Both sets of my great-grandparents were married. Both sets of my grandparents were married. My parents have been together for 43 years and married 38. I’ve seen and experienced healthy love. I know what it looks like.
What I realized is that despite never being single in 20 years, always having an open heart to men, and seeing healthy love and marriages all my life, I never thought I was worthy of that kind of love, intimacy, loyalty, and security. I’ve spent most of my life fighting for my life, going from one struggle to the next, overcoming obstacles and trauma, making peace with who I am and learning the meaning of radical self-love.
But how do you explain this to people who ask, “you still ain’t married yet?”. How do you explain to people its not as simple as meeting a man, falling in love, and getting married. And no, it’s not because I’m secretly a raggedy hoe that no one wants lol. How do you explain that you are out here hustling for your own worthiness. And once you find it, you can finally accept the man out there who is gonna love the shit outta you and REST in that. My path this time around is requiring me to dig deeper than I ever have before, transcend certain karmas, and learn specific lessons. So nope, I ain’t married yet. You are free to ask, but are you ready to hear the real reason why?
“When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with”Anais Nin