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The Men Who Lie to Have Us

“Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same”

Warsan Shire

Some men will be attracted to your light, desire to have access to that light and will do anything to get it, even if it means lying or withholding information. He sees the rarity, the uniqueness. He knows that his thirst will be quenched and what was missing in his life has been found. He cannot let the opportunity to taste your succulent fruit slip through his fingers.

“Just because someone desires you

does not

mean

they value you

desire is the kind of thing

that

eats you

and

leaves you starving”

Nayyirah Waheed

Over the years I’ve learned that it might be a good idea to have background checks done on the men I consider getting involved with. I learned that you must ask thorough questions up front.  Are you married? Separated? Do you live with your wife? Is there someone who still thinks you belong to them? Do you have children? What’s your relationship with the mama? Do you have a wife and children overseas? Have you been to jail/prison? If so, what are your charges?

Through many heartbreaks I learned that you could ask all the necessary questions and some men will lie or withhold information and you must do your own research. You must check prison records and marriage records. You must request copies of tax returns. You have to pray, consult with the ancestors or other forms of divination to find out the truth. I lament that I’ve had to live this reality.

“You are the altar. Not the sacrifice” 

The reason he lies or withholds information is because he knows that if he tells the truth, his chances of having that woman are decreased or worse, ruined.  And he cannot have that happen. He has to have her.  But would that woman get involved with him if she knew that he was separated but still legally married, had several children with multiple women, and had been incarcerated?  Maybe she would, or maybe she wouldn’t. But how would he know if he doesn’t reveal the truth. If he must lie to get her maybe he doesn’t deserve her. By lying, he takes from her. He steals her opportunity to make an informed decision with all the facts she needs. He has taken away her right to choose.  He shows her everything he wants. He tells her what she wants to hear. He sweet talks her. He woos her. He makes it easy for her to let her guard down and she falls for him.

“you

keep putting your hands

on my mind

it is the same thing as my body”

Nayyirah Waheed

A man should always be honest and upfront about his past and who he is. Not that he must reveal everything immediately, but if there is something lurking in the past that will impact that woman and the relationship in the future, then she should know. By being honest with the woman, even at the risk of losing his chances with her he does two things. One, he demonstrates the integrity and respect he has for himself and for her. He shows that he values honesty by accepting the risk that if she knows the truth about who he is, she may decline to pursue a relationship with him. Two, he may get her complete acceptance without having to lie. By being honest with her, he earns her respect and that is something that a woman needs to have if she is to ever truly love a man. How will she ever love you, if she doesn’t know you? But then I wonder, was it about love, or just selfish ego and pride…

“You love people the way they are, or you don’t. You accept them the way they are, or you don’t”.

“The soul has no secret that the behavior does not reveal”

Lao Tzu

The men who want us but lie to get us are nomad men searching for respite on their journey. It is our choice if we let them call our hearts home.

“his back

was a hundred stories

he

wanted to tell me

a hundred lives

he

wanted to live together”

Nayyirah Waheed

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Cry When You Need To: The Power of Your Tears

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky are best relieved by the letting of a little water”

Antoine Rivarol


I woke up Monday morning with a very heavy heart. There wasn’t anything wrong, but nothing felt right. I decided to do the one thing that always brings me comfort; running. It’s not uncommon for me to cry during my runs. I feel such an emotional release when I run, it’s as if I’m simulateously running away from my problems and my past and to a bright and glorious future. I had an amazing 2 mile run. On the walk back to the car, I felt the tears begin to pool in the back of my eyes. I blinked a couple times to push them away until I could get in the car and away from anyone who might see me.


Once I got in the car, I cried. I cried all the way home. And then I sat in the car for 15 more minutes and cried some more. I thought of my grandparents and how I missed them. I had flashes of childhood memories that are somehow sweeter than when I first lived them.


“Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks”

Unknown

I thought of all I had been through in life and how proud I was of myself. I swelled with pride. I thought of  how I’ve managed to survive everything that should have destroyed me. I cried because in that moment, I was gratful for every trial. I had turned victimhood into victory.

I thought of the burden of being black in AneriKKKa. And I realized that the tears I were crying were not just my own. They were the tears of my ancestors and the entire collective of blacks who endured MAAFA (The Black Holocaust). I cried for every mother whose child was snatched from her arms and sold, every whipping, every lynching… Their trauma resurfacing through my DNA looking for a release, a reprieve, and a safe haven. And I cried some more. Yes, ancestors. I cry for you. I cry for me. I cry for my children. I cry because these tears are power.


“You cannot know how well people’s bodies remember their ancestors”

Octavia Butler

They are evidence of trauma and triumph, of fear and faith, of love and countless losses. These tears aren’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of life. I cry because I’m still here. I cry because there is still hope. I cry because there is love. I cry because there is a song in my heart. The sojourn of the flawed and broken. I cry because I have nothing left, but yet so much yet to give. My tears symbolize that it’s not over yet. Even in the midst of my emptiness there is enough. Enough life left to live.


“It’s not the load that breaks you down, its the way you carry it”

Lena Horne

After that cry I felt so much better and went about my day. Feeling lighter and a little more free. We praise people for holding on, but not nearly enough for being able to let go. There’s nothing noble about holding your tears in. The courage is in letting them fall freely. Cry alone if you need to. Cry with someone if you need to. Just cry! Scream! Moan! There’s power in laying that burden down. Getting it all out. Emptying yourself until there’s nothing left.


From a physiological standpoint tears are powerful as well. Our tears contain stress hormones and when you cry you are reducing your stress levels. Pip Waller, author of Holistic Anatomy explains, “Tears provide the only route for us to excrete stress hormones whole, withoug the liver having first metabolized them. So when we are stressed the chemical content of our tears change…crying is the cure for being hurt”.


She goes on to explain that if we aren’t crying enough and the stress we experience continues,  it can damage the body in the form of high blood pressure, muscle tension, digestive problems, infertility, impotence and issues with menstruation and menopause.


The next time your body prompts you to cry, don’t try to hold the tears back. Let your power fall like rain from the sky. The power to heal, be free, and go forward with a strong mind, body and soul.


“Crying is one of the highest devotinoal songs. One who knows crying knows spiriutal practice. If you can cry with a pure heart, nothing else compares to such a prayer”

Unknown

 

Kathleen is the owner of Melanin Rich Wellness Inc., a company committed to optimizing the physical, mental and spiritual health of the black community using African Holistic Health. She is a  Published Author, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, Nutrition and Wellness Consultant, Vaginal Steam Facilitator and Yin Yoga Instructor. She loves tapping into her melanin rich DNA database filled with the knowledge and wisdom of  medicine men and women, the healers and the warriors she lovingly calls ancestors.

Visit the Homepage, to learn more about Melanin Rich Wellness. Thank you for reading!